I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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