I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
