Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
