I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
