Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
