You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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