So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
