Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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