woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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