My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
