dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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