I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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