so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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