I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
