The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
