I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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