i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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