I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
