I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
