i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
