I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
