I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
