i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
