the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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