We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
