I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
