I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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