pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
