I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
