u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
