I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
