Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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