I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
