Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
