Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
