it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
