Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
