That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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