There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
