It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If I die, sorry about rent.
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