You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
