question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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