I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
