Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
