I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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