if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
