mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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