It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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