And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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