So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
