She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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