wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hippo gnu deer
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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