Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
