My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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