This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
