??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
