You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
