i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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