I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
